Hello! I have been in this pretty wild emotional and mental space. I lost my footing a bit, I lost vision for my life. It is very hard for me to explain because I have tried to fully grasp how I lost myself to the trappings of living daily life aimlessly. It felt like I was slowly sinking and as I tried to change the trajectory of where I was headed, as I tried to “figure it out” by leaning on my strength, it worked for a little while but nevertheless failed. I struggle with allowing the holy spirit to lead my thoughts and actions and because of this, I get into a pretty negative, isolated, and dangerous headspace. I become easily discouraged and let fear dwell freely in my life. To the outside world, I excelled while on the inside, I was living in turmoil. This time around, it was not only that I had isolated myself emotionally nor was it the constant struggle of feeling discouraged, it was like I felt myself give up. All of my strength, went poof! No one might have seen it, but I felt a core shift in my faith, in my ways of thinking and overall in who I was becoming. My relationship with God was non-existent. I would pray here and there but there was no personal relationship. Through my life journey, I have built a open and raw relationship with God. My spirit craves a close relationship with God, this is the one constant I need. However, in the past year and a half, I coasted. Instead of burrowing down with God when I felt lost and alone, I allowed everything around me to become a distraction. I did not take the time to focus on God’s vision for my life. The more time I did not spend with him, the more of a separation I felt, the harder it became to pick up from where we left off, so I stopped trying. Once I stopped, I saw the ripple in my life. My dreams, the dreams and promises given to me by God seemed so lost. I found myself in a place where I could not talk with him anymore. I started looking back at my life’s journey with resentment. I couldn’t shake the feeling of, is this it? Is this where my purpose ends?
Through this mindset brought hopelessness and unbelief; I started to live my life with doubts and trepidation. Everything I enjoyed doing became burdens, creating and writing taking the biggest hit. Creating and writing is therapeutic passion of mine, but yet the idea of picking up a journal to write again felt overwhelming and daunting. When I had surgery last march, the desire to start over gnawed at me. I had a lot of time on my hands and I was on pain meds so ideas were free flowing! I participated in a blogging seminar, asked a lot of my friends for their opinions… For the first time in a long time, I enjoyed the process of creating, penning my ideas without the restrictions I placed on myself. This desire to start again was burning inside of me. God would not let me give this up! Visual Lush has been developing for a long while. As I was creating ideas and working out what I wanted this new space to be, I kept getting discouraged and so I pushed it back because I wanted to be “ready”. I was waiting until when I finally felt good enough, until it was perfect. As time kept wasting away, I realized that searching for what I considered perfect time has held me back. I read this passage in my devotional, “I am with you and for you. When you decide on a course of action that is in line with my will, nothing in heaven or on earth can stop you. You my encounter many obstacles as you move toward your goal, but don’t be discouraged-never give up! Instead of dashing headlong toward your goal, let me set the pace.”. The crux of the trap I fell into was trying to set the pace for my future goals without the holy spirit. I have the habit of doing things on my time table and then wondering why nothing was happening. I think to myself at times, why do I love to go around the “mountain” several times instead of using the authority placed in me by Jesus to move that mountain/obstacle? Even though I have some regrets about going the long way around, I have learned so much. This knowledge is what I take with me as I step into 2018.
Welcome to my new space! I love that I get to carve out this space for you and myself. Though I still have my moments of freak outs about the future, I feel a quiet peace over my spirit. This is a year of life-changing triumphs, this is the year of walking in God’s vision for my life. I know it is going to be wild, it’s going to be challenging, I know that I will stumble however, with what little faith I have, I am choosing to seek him through it all. I pray that wherever you are in your journey, you find the courage to walk in God’s vision for your life!I found this Tupac sweatshirt by coincidence. I have searched everywhere and cannot find the exact one I am wearing, however, I did find a white version of a Tupac sweatshirt from Forever 21 and this Selena sweatshirt from Forever 21, When I saw the sweatshirt, I copped it really fast without regard to size! If it didn’t fit, I would have had it framed lolIt is way to chilly right now, so my daily uniform has been a mix of tracksuit sets and graphic sweatshirts. Graphic sweatshirts has been my go to, my “outfit life-saver” is what I like to call them! I usually go for the crabby chic look by putting on copious amount of layers to keep warm so I switched it up a bit, paired with my favorite mom jeans from Goodwill and these gorgeous patent booties from Shoedazzle. Stylish and supper comfortable!Thank you so much reading, what are your favorite go to winter outfit life-savers? Check out my Lush List for more and leave a comment below to let me know!
— WEARING —