Hello, hope you are having a wonderful week so far! This week has been a hell of a long week so I am happy to be done. Today, I want to share about my struggles with confidence. Finding confidence has been a torturous road for as long as I can remember. At this big age of 27, I feel that I am just now scratching the surface of what it feels like to be confident and it’s a damn good feeling.
There was a time when I was younger that I used to detest having my photo taken, I still do at times. My scars were the beginning of my journey of feeling less than. I was insecure and would hide whenever friends would come over for birthdays. Growing up after the accident was like walking in the dark with a lighter on, hoping it wouldn’t shut off. I was confused, insecure, scared, and timid. This all took root by the time I was 8 years old. From then on, I carried a weight of unsureness- don’t know if that is a word! The woman you see here strutting her stuff in these photos is a miracle from what I used to be. It has taken an enormous amount of prayers and pep talks to push myself and go for it.
In the past, I had a self-harm handicap. Meaning, I criticized myself or others because of the “less than” feeling. Self-deprecating humor is at the top of the list of my old ways. I am silly and can take a good joke about myself, however, I think there came a time where I needed to draw a line in the sand and say stop. Pulling other people up at the expense of myself is not the best way to live life neither is putting people down. The people I surrounded myself with did not necessarily help my thought process. There was a lot of comparison done at the expense of others. I surrounded myself with bold and outspoken women and I became the quiet one. I learned a lot about myself being the “quiet one”. Those years of friendship where my life wasn’t really invested into by my friends taught me some tough lessons. It is not that they didn’t care if I were alive or dead, it was that I was an after thought in those friendships. Simply put, I did not have any heartfelt girlfriends. I learned how to internalize my feelings and opinions even more. This was all happening in my teenage and early college years. Years when I was supposed to be developing and molding myself into a strong confident young woman, the little confidence I had, felt like it was disintegrating. The culture around our friendships was toxic. I literally had to remove myself so I could recover and then develop some sense of self.
I must admit, I have fallen into the trap of wanting to be a great “badass boss woman” in like 5 minutes. My definition of this woman is outspoken, bold, go-getter, takes on fear… I have surrounded myself with good and bad examples of these attributes. But when I look at some of my victories, I appreciate the destination even more because of my journey. This past year, I had the opportunity to boldly stand up for myself and ask for more pay at a job, and I got it. This was a victory! What made the pay raise even sweeter, wasn’t because they paid me more money, but because of the struggles and tiny steps it took me to get there to ask for more. Taking that step of faith gave me a confidence boost in the area of my job. I don’t know if I would have been able to ask and stand firm in my decision a year ago.
There are so many more areas in my life that needs a confidence boost but you know what, I will get there! It is not going to be easy, I just had an all out crying fest about my life a few hours ago, our journeys are going to be so different. For me, it is a daily struggle. Sometimes I think I am doing good and sometimes I think I have failed miserably, like today. Take it easy on yourself, you will get there.
Coogi- JACKET (thrifted, similar in the link)
H&M – WRAPOVER SKIRT (on sale at the moment!)
Privileged Shoes – HEELS
Forever 21 – SUNGLASSES
Forever 21 – BAG (old, similar below!)