Allow me to reintroduce myself…I feel like a Jay-Z lyric is the appropriate way to begin once more! I struggle starting this back up again because of my self-doubt. Every time I opened up my computer to write, I would get discouraged. That tiny voice in my head shouts at me, asking me why are you even doing this? Are you doing this for pity? You are no way near where you want to be. Aren’t there more inspirational stories out there truly helping others? Are you authentic? You are a stubborn work in progress, so how is your testimony going to encourage others? Will anyone get your humor? Is anyone actually going to muddle through your postings- your scattered thoughts, your painful fears, and your dark moments… I could go on and on about my doubts and the fear that has been holding me back for the past year of why I just could not get my words out. I would get so lost in my head that when it was time to write them down, I would have already had an emotional break down as I am having one right now, then I would be too exhausted and frustrated so I gave up. Fear has been my worst enemy. At this moment, there are so many thoughts coming at me- trying not to give this post a title, I am trying to avoid saying “I want to encourage you ”, I am trying to avoid using the word “testimony” because I sometimes doubt my life as a testimony, I am constantly questioning God, asking if my journey has a purpose? But to be totally honest with myself, my life since 1998 has been a surprise! It is such a marvelous miracle to be sitting here, writing to you. It baffles me to use my seemingly ordinary life as an inspiration to others…I get uncomfortable using the word “inspiration”. I don’t want you to think that my journey has been without bumps, it has been filled with high highs and really low lows. It has been hard. 
Looking back at those memories of me as a child, I sometimes wish I was just like that little girl again because even as young as I was, I trusted in Jesus. I want that childlike trust again. I struggle writing about that time not because of the unwanted memories and trauma. I can look at the physical pain and accept that I had to go through all of it to heal physically. What I struggle with is that I sometimes feel that my testimony does not match with where I am today. I feel that as an adult I should have an unwavering strength and belief in Jesus, sharing with others what he has done for me but I sometimes I feel weighed down by it. Yes, I survived. Yes, I transitioned back into the world but I sometimes wonder what my life today would be if it hadn’t happened. I fight with myself because I don’t want that singular event to define who I am but in some way shape or form, it has impacted every area of my life. I have done everything over the last 18 years running away from those emotions rather than dealing with it. I realize that my testimony is perfect but my flesh is absolutely not perfect. I am finally letting God speak to me as I write because for the longest time I had abandoned listening to God. I abandoned a relationship with him and became lost, so my thoughts followed along. This past year was when I truly realized that I could not go on without Jesus. I had lived off my strength and had carried the burden that wasn’t meant to be mine. I was so lost in the idea of what I wanted God to do through me, through my story rather than focusing on what he needs to do in me. Every time I debated with myself on what to write, what kept coming back to me was, it has to have a purpose. Past the fear, past the doubts, past the pretense…why would I put my life out there in the world, to be vulnerable, to be judged? 2015 was a year to reflect on the beginning. A year when I realized that I needed Jesus more than I need this. I needed him to be my foundation. I need to be in a place where I don’t get lost relieving those moments but as I continue to walk in him, he can continue to heal me. Because no matter what, he is my rock, no matter how weak I feel, no matter how hard, frustrating and emotional this might be. My posts may come swiftly while some may come sparingly, please be patient with me! 
May 8, 1998 changed my life. It was a day that put me on an insane journey…I truly hope that through whichever season you are in, my testimony, my life, my journey encourages you and pushes you towards God not away from him. Most importantly I pray you remember this, God is so so good and he holds on to you always. 

p.s., Thank you all for your kind words over the dailymail article! I couldn’t feel more loved! I did not actually think I would get such a response and logged off the internet for a bit because I get a little weirded out when the spotlight is on me lol….but yeah, you all are great. Thank you for all of the love. I linked the article below if you have not seen it!

A Psalm of David.
1 The Lord is amy shepherd; bI shall not 1want.
2 cHe makes me to lie down in 2green pastures;
dHe leads me beside the 3still waters.
3 He restores my soul;
eHe leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of fthe shadow of death,
gI will fear no evil;
hFor You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
5 You iprepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You janoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will 4dwell in the house of the Lord







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